My baseball cards sounded close to a real motorcycle on my bicycle. So cool and crisp that morning. I made the downhill to downtown in less than ten minutes... a world record.  Sorty Knuts was waiting for me in front of the bakery. Sorty told me that there was only one glazed donut left and he bought it. I pulled out a chaw of double mint gum and asked him how his father (Red Knuts) was feeling. Then the truth began to slowly emerge.

“Well it’s a long story, Nelly, and I’m not sure you can keep a secret.”  I crossed my heart but did hope to die. I said it very fast cause I knew Sorty was chomping on his doughnut and drooling so he didn’t catch the most important part of the age-old oath .

“See, Daddy got his head broken to pieces during the last war. He tripped off a dock and fell 20 feet and landed on his head. A bad deal for daddy!  The government did their best to put him back together but the big metal plate they put in the front of the brain part started acting up along with the metal and wires they used to make his jawbone hang right.” 

I asked what he meant by acting up. “Well sometimes if he don’t keep his mouth shut and his head turned to the right he picks up radio waves and who knows what is going to come floating out of his mouth!  Baseball games, bluegrass music, chatter shows, weather forecasts…it really bugs momma in the middle of the night. She don’t like that red scar clean across his forehead neither. She says it looks like a railroad track from ear to ear!  Daddy says they had to make room for the huge metal plate.”

“But, the latest bad news for Daddy is what happened last night at the general store where he was supposed to buy some new shoes for the grand opening of his new store!”

“What new store?” I gasped.

Sorty quickly looked around to make sure no one could hear. “His brand new far equipment store!  Grand opening was supposed to be today at noon!”  I was taken aback. I pressed for more inside information. 

“Daddy took a bath yesterday and he couldn’t find the soap. He called out to me, ‘Wars your momma keep the soap?’  He couldn’t find it so he grabbed a can of Ajax and poured it in the water. He took a real fast bath. So we was at the shoe store and he vanished from us. Momma said I needed to find Daddy cause she got his shoes. I looked everywhere and I went in the men’s room to check on him. There he was!  Standing in front of the sink in all his nature!!! His pants were down to his ankles and he was a splashing cold water on his privates. I said, ‘Daddy what are you doing? We gotta go momma says.’   Radio waves were spewing out of his mouth but he screeched out for me to tell Momma that he was on far!   Daddy’s family jewels was as red as a far hydrant!  I scurried back and told momma. She rolled her eyes when I told her that I thought the Ajax had kicked in. She said, ‘Well he won’t need another bath for a week. I was told to buy some gentler soap. She was at the checkout counter and we left without daddy. He came home later walkin alone with his mouth open and some folks followed him down the sidewalk cause they liked Bluegrass music.”

I guess word got out on the party lines and then the whole town knew. They will be lined up for the grand opening of Red’s Far Equipment store.... whenever that happens. Red was laying low for a couple of weeks building up his self-esteem and listening to his mouth radio. 

Love your neighbor and hug your kids. Keep plenty of soap under your sink.