Crusty and Slick Johnson gathered with me at dawn in the first week of the hot summer. The ball diamond was empty so no witnesses were present. Slick was going to teach us how to Belch Speak... an exciting and improved method of standard burping. It was easy after 30 minutes of practice. One gulped lots of air into the stomach area and then Presto you launched into a three-word unique sounding voice. Three single-syllable words were the most touching. Out-of-belch ammo kept us to the words. So we practiced and perfected and were exceedingly proud to show off in front of a general population of kids that could easily be impressed. Phrases like “Howdy Pea Brain” or just as effective, “Hey Butt Face” were stunning to the small audiences. We quickly moved on to a much higher adventure by ordering X-Ray sunglasses from a scientific magazine called Outdoor Life. They were inexpensive and arrived within two weeks. We had paid a little extra for fast shipping and handling but for cutting-edge inventions who wouldn’t ?

We strutted to the swimming pool park and went directly into the dark green dungeon called the men’s shower room. It was the law that we had to shower but there also was a brick wall that separated from the women’s shower room. The glasses were put on immediately. They were completely dark black, even the special lenses were very dark black, almost solid opaque black for some reason.

We slowly headed towards the pool taking very short steps because those glasses were not easy to see with so we had to look below the lenses at our feet...not cool but it was all we could do. Our mission was to approach the most beautiful lifeguard on earth...Vickie!  Her throne was at the center of the pool right above the rope that separated the shallow from the deep. We were shallow guys and not allowed to swim with the deep people. We did not care! Vickie was the prize we were aiming for. I led the way hoping to make eye contact first. Tiny steps towards the Queen of chlorine-scented ice-blue water. Her tanning lotion was pure aphrodisiac. She was soooo gorgeous!  

I brought forth my best smile standing at her feet. I stood there as a blinded man. Suddenly Slick projected a loud belch sentence that sounded like it came from the backend of his trunks. “Hi Baby!” Stunned, I quickly turned my head, lost my balance, and fell into the deep side but as I tried to keep my smile I smashed my nose on the edge of the cement. Bleeding, I called out to Vickie. I was near the bottom of the deep when I felt two hands around my chest. I was still wearing my glasses but as I was heaved upon safe ground they tumbled off and I then saw it was her big brother (the other lifeguard). He hauled me away and put two 4-inch lengths of gauze in my nostrils. 

Slightly embarrassed I rode my bicycle home alone...never looking back. One second of bliss ruined by a belch sentence. Slick Johnson’s name I changed to Butt Face Johnson. Crusty Johnson was fitting so I kept it the same. Happy Valentine’s Day, Vickie!

Hug your kids and love your neighbor.