Dear general population; Stunning news for some of us that has shaken the neighborhood. Helen Capone, my dream woman, has left me and left town for someplace called Miami. I’m pretty sure it’s south of Chillicothe...way out of my reach, according to my mom. I was devastated, but Mom was strangely relieved. I had kept my love a secret, but soon the reality hit me hard. There are no secrets in this town. I’m blaming Buttface and his big mouth. So I’m moving on with life in temporary bitterness.

Valentine’s Day is upon me. Mom made a card box that looks like a float in the Macy’s Christmas parade... I am embarrassed to carry it to school. This year, because of an unexpected broken heart, I am changing my love cards to say something new. This “Be Mine” message has been removed and replaced with more deep and thoughtful, impressive words. Handcrafted phrases like “You’re Ugly” and “Stay Away from Me”  were added to convey my deepest feelings. My mom received many calls from other mothers who asked about my mental health. Mom had no clue what I wrote and said, “Oh, He’s just fine. Why are you asking?” She eventually found out. She took me to the doctor the next day. No fever. No issues. Everything normal. I got out of school the next day so mom could keep an eye on me. She overreacted and continued to answer phone calls that day. She told the entire neighborhood that she had taken me to the doctor and that I was under house arrest. Bunch of thin-skinned neighbors!  

In other news, there is a really cute girl that we call “Sunny Side Kathy.” She lives on Sunnyside Street across the road from Mike “the Beast” Bornshier. His family has a huge black and white television which Kathy could see...kinda from her front window. Kathy wanted a better view, so she walked at night to Mike’s front window and peered in. She loved Gunsmoke, especially Matt Dillon. Mike’s dad pulled into his driveway, and the headlights spotted Kathy, and her face pressed against the picture window. She was caught peeping!  Mortified, she ran to her house squealing!  She stayed home for two weeks. No school. No outdoor playing. Her mother took her to the doctor. She couldn’t understand what happened to her cute Sunny Side Kathy. Kathy had not spoken a word since the peeping evening. The doctor guessed it was Lockjaw. The good news is she had a transistor radio in her bedroom, and that eventually cured her with very cool music. In two weeks, she came outside to join the neighborhood gang. We were surprised a little when we heard her singing the Elvis song “Are You Lonesome Tonight” memorized every word, and constantly singing. Us guys have never understood some girls. We were glad she stayed cute, though.

Love your neighbor and hug your kids!  
Our mothers did!
Nelly